Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe.
I feel silly and inadequate.
My heart races when I think about you,
So fast I have trouble sleeping.

I think about all I said,
Think of how it could be different.
And I want to go back in time.
I want to do it right.

Standing on the sidelines,
Hanging out by the door,
Even when he tries to pull me closer.
I can’t do this anymore.

Thinking I am failing,
Always failing and fucking up.
Even when they tell me they love me.
I won’t be this girl.

My heart is on my sleeve,
A clump is in my throat.
Action is the hardest thing,
But has become the most necessary…

To accept the things I cannot change.
Courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.”

Not helpful. That is what Randy Pausch’s wife Jay used to say when she left the moment and started thinking of his death and feeling sad instead of enjoying life. Not helpful.

Well right now I am not being helpful to myself or my friend by letting my differences with others get in the way of being me. Instead of being the person who I pride myself on being, overcoming adversity, etc… I have let someone, who I knew I couldn’t trust, close to me and wondered why I am so shaken by their lack of honor. My heart hurts for the time I have spent on someone who is so far away from the person I want to be. Letting her get into my life and under my skin all the while knowing that when I look in the mirror, I didn’t want to see someone like her looking back at me.

So now I will be who I am. Now I will remember who exactly I am. And remember how much I like that person and how much time I have spent developing this person. Because if I stand for nothing, I will fall for anything. And all I need is to KEEP MOVING FORWARD.

Okay, I do have depth and I do care about real issues. In fact coming to my wordpress audience soon will be my opinions on various issues of substance. But for now…OH MY FUCKING GOD! Yeah I said it! No abbreviating. It must be said for John Mayer’s new haircut.

I adore this man, his odd sense of humour, his pouty lips, and the music that stops me in my tracks every time. But I DO NOT adore his girlfriend, Ms. Jennifer Aniston. I think she plays the ultimate victim to the onlooking public in a desperate…she’s that too…attempt for positive attention and to have all the women who have every been left for another on her side. GET OVER IT!!! Its not like you lost to Star Jones…he is with ANGELINA JOLIE!!! Is Jennifer saying SHE wouldn’t screw Angelina, because I would! However this is not the point of my rant. The point is that I am soooo disappointed in John Mayer for cutting his hair. Yes, simple, plain, maybe dumb, but valid. Those lucious locks could get me through the Cold War and now…not so much. What is this? Just needing a change? A hot summer? Or is it the OLD ass whiner you have allowed into your life prompting you to grow up? I JUST DON’T GET IT!!!

I have nothing else to say. Ugh!

This is new to you, the wordpress bloggers and public, however this poem is near and dear to my heart. I wrote it in yet another time of desperation and everytime I go back to that place, the words of the poem are the first to appear in my mind:

Ode To Eye

I have blinded myself once again.

I have questioned myself a million times again.

I have thrown all my hopes and dreams,

Into something thats not what it seems…again.

I have prayed again,

Never thought I’d pray again to be…me.

I have lost again,

Never thought I’d lose the friend…in me.

Answers, all I want are answers,

All I need is to know whats real.

Love, all I asked for was love,

You can’t give love to me.

Play the games until you know what you want,

I’m not ashamed to say I’ve always known what I want.

Someday I will get it.

Someday I…

Someday someone like you but better,

Will turn my way.

Will stay.

I see you now,

You’re upside down,

Whats wrong with this picture?

Maybe my mind is confused,

Maybe its overused on the topic of you.

You haven’t been right side up,

Since you and I gave up,

Since you gave up,

Since I lied to both of us.

Not everything is wrong,

You are maginified in my head.

If it just the direction thats off,

Couldn’t it be put right again?

So I have done it! I have overstressed myself to the point of LITERALLY making myself sick. I don’t know if its my friends, my family, my innumerable amount of choices in life, money, whatever! I have internalized it all so much that I have more than likely given myself an ulcer at the ripe ol’ age of 18. FanFUCKINGtastic right?

I’m not sure why it is that this month has brought about such an influx of change. Maybe I will notice this increase the closer I get to my birthday in November. All I know is that the year 2008 has brought me certain things: psychics, famous people, and complete relationship overhauls.

I have been presented with three psychics in a five month period. One I work with day in and day out. Now, they consider themselves to be clairvoyents or channels for the spirit world. They have all told me one thing…this is a year for change. To declutter and come into a relationship with the person I will be for the next 9-12 years. Admittedly, I have had many challenges in the last months that prove this is the case.

Now as for famous people… Between Warped Tour, Ace Young, and Johnny Lisco who was the opening act for A Fine Frenzy, I have met more musicians in five months than in my entire lifetime. I have had some nice conversations over the months with Mr. Lisco. Now as for Katy Perry, Mayday Parade, and Ace Young, I have autographs, but the experience was not quite as fun or rewarding as I might have liked it to be. Funny enough, Ace Young still has had the greatest impact on me to date. Why? Well because he is like me. We have the same birthday, same numerology number and are from the same Colorado air. And I must say, I have never felt more moved by a particular musician and their interperatation of life and music. Maybe the fame just hasn’t gotten to his head yet, or maybe it won’t. But I’ll tell you, this man is by far an example of how humble and human I hope to stay in my adventures for fame.

Relationship overhauls. For the first time in five years, I can really say that I am getting over Romeo. Its sad, disgusting, and annoying as hell, but its finally happening. I can feel it happening because I have been through it before. And friends, well, friends! Ugh! I am not the only one going through a LIFE overhaul but my friends are too. And luckily for me, I am that person that gets the brunt of their confusion during this time…not to mention anger, bitchiness, etc… 

So there is a little update about me.

I feel so angry! SOOOOOOO ANGRY!!! I DO NOT understand why the hell people can’t be there for me like I am there for them. Something as simple (yes I find it fantastically SIMPLE) as going to a concert with me when I cannot find anyone to go, my so called “friends” won’t do. I understand it intellectually, but in my heart I am just mad. I want so badly to think that people will be there for me, come to my aid, but no. They are too busy watching themselves talk in the mirror to take the time to look around and see where the other voices are coming from. The voice saying “HELP ME! I’M SINKING AND I NEED YOU TO HELP ME…OR AT LEAST TELL ME IT WILL ALL WORK OUT!!!”. Ugh!

Music to accompany my current feeling!

So to help myself better understand I feel like I must do some good old fashioned analysis about this tragic tale of heartbreak and how it relates to my own.

- I feel like both stories are about timing. Both situations were not doomed to fail for any reason other than all parties not being at the right place at the right time. I was young and looking so far ahead into the future that I completely spooked myself out of being ready to just go with the flow and loosen my control over myself and love. Deanna and Graham needed time too. And they needed things to develop naturally. A reality show was not the place for that to happen. Deanna wanted to put things on high speed and so did I, something we also have in common.

- I think it is interesting how both men decided not to try and have friendships with us Scorpios. Is it because we hurt them and didn’t give them chances to prove themselves originally? Is it because they know that we will never be happy with being JUST friends? And that even if we are happily with someone else, well, there will still always be that fire?

- Lonely. The guys are lonely. They want love, but I think they have such a hard time finding it because in some way they are the most romantic out of us all. It is as if they are searching for the perfect love. And they are lonely because it doesn’t exist. I think Romeo and I would be some of the two best suited people. My friends call it Yin and Yang, meaning opposites attract. From what I have gathered throughout the five years (?) that I have now liked my Sag, we are fundamentally similar, he used to say what I was thinking in class or we would say something at the same time and my friends would sit there and snicker at the ridiculousness. I mean shit! We ended up in the same college right down the hall from each other! There are so many things that give me hope to hold on, except the most important thing…him and his affections. So then what is perfect love? I wish it for both of them, Graham and Romeo. And I am sorry that he will never give himself the chance to find it with me.

- I am slowly becoming okay with the lack of closure. I am learning to forgive myself for not being ready and learning to forgive him for not trusting me. I am forgiving myself for letting my fear overcome my sense of fun and spontaneity. And lastly, I think my ever changing nature made him feel like if he wanted someone to finally trust and open up to, well I was not it. No matter how many people I am that person for, I could not be that person for him because I was too afraid to let MY guard down and be disappointed once again.

-I don’t think he “hates” me. I think he is angry that I make him feel things he doesn’t want to feel when we fight and he gets tense and frustrated with me. I think he is convinced that happiness will not be found with someone who has always shown him how miserable she is…(without him of course). But I don’t think he realizes that emotions cannot be felt in your head or processed correctly that way. We are emotional beings and the more we disconnect from our feelings in an attempt to fain apathy, the less our hearts and souls can survive. We cannot be Meursault. He is fictional. And though I applaud you for trying, you’ll never feel more alive than when your body, mind, emotions, and spirit are all congruent. And I know it might take some time to learn that, because believe me you will seek a happier way of life (the emptiness behind those eyes isn’t fooling anyone), but when you do you will respect life more and you will respect me more, and finally see that I am not just some crazy bitch who cannot control her emotions. And maybe just maybe you will see that as you grow and learn, so do I. And even though my feelings are just as deep as that girl you first layed eyes on, I have grown an immeasurable amount and hold stronger to who I am today than I ever have before… and yes, I am more fun and funnier each passing day too.

So folks, there is my analysis. There is how I feel and how I think my not-ex feels about me. Thank you for tuning in to this installment of The Bachelorette and Me.

My life is a joke…

Courtesy of ETonline.com:

The Bachelorette’s Graham Assesses the Final Three Suitors

Who does he think DeAnna should choose?

“Ousted “The Bachelorette” suitor Graham Bunn is a relationship realist. Talking to reporters following his Monday night ousting from the ABC matchmaking show, he says that although he and DeAnna Pappas shared a ’special connection,’ he is done associating with her, even casually.

‘I don’t believe that we were right for each other,’ he says, adding later: ‘I just don’t think that it would ever be healthy for she and I to be friends.’

All or nothing: Graham explains that his inability to know with total conviction whether or not he could love DeAnna likely led to his downfall on the show. One thing he did know, for sure, was that he didn’t want to mislead the bachelorette by sugar-coating his wishy-washy feelings about a committed relationship with her.

‘I don’t think it was a good fit for marriage,’ he says. ‘She wanted me to get to a place that I couldn’t get to in the time-frame [we were given].’

So, with only three suitors left — Jason, Jeremy and Jesse– does Graham agree with fellow oustee Twilley’s assessment that Jesse is the right choice for DeAnna?

‘I believe Jason and Jeremy would make better partners to spend the rest of her life with,’ he says, adding to those surprised by Twilley’s pick that no, Jesse’s finer qualities were not in fact left on the cutting room floor: ‘I don’t think you’re missing anything in the [the show's] edit of Jesse. I think you might be missing something of the edit of DeAnna.’

‘I feel, personally, that Jason offers her the best well-rounded choice and someone that can fully fulfill, you know, all her needs and wants in life.’

Graham admits that leaving the show was difficult for both him and DeAnna, but he believes that his brutal honesty about his feelings for her will guarantee them both a happier future, apart. He wishes her the best, though, regardless of who she winds up with.

‘She is a wonderful person and, you know, you could do worse with me,’ he says. ‘I’m not the devil.’”

Bup bup bup beeeeeeeeee*FLATLINE*eeeeeeeeeep…

So for those of you who know me, you understand my interest in astrology. You also understand my obsessive side, especially when it comes to certain…ahem…people over the years. Well…person. Well I have a reenactment of our not-relationship as shown on season 4 of The Bachelorette. Deanna Pappas, a Scorpio real estate agent is looking for love. After being rejected by former fellow Scorpio bachelor Brad Womack, Deanna got her second chance at love with 25 awesome men. Funny enough, despite having so many men to choose from…she set her eyes on Graham. Grahamis a Sagittarius Professional Basketball Player who had Deanna’s affections right away. Now when this tumultuous odd couple finally split in the show after his mother informing Deanna that he didn’t have relationships that lasted past 4 weeks and him completely shutting down…once again…I was surprised at the familiarity that accompanied my emotional reaction to the scene. And tonight, ladies and gents, I get it. I get that on some level I REALLY got it. That feeling of being afraid that you will pour your heart out and be standing there alone. That feeling of hoping that you didn’t just watch your one great love walk away because YOU told him to go. That feeling of having people say “I don’t know whether you two are about to make out or beat each other up”. Well, folks, and Deanna (in the event your boredom ever stumbles you upon this blog while Googling your name) I GET IT!!! Man oh man, I GET it! And I am going to give you all some fascinating viewing material to accompany my theory right about now. Enjoy!

Part 1 “Love is All You Need?”:

So folks, that breakdown that was advertised so much…it was because of Sag Graham! Psht.

Part 2 “Warning Signs”:

Part 3 “The Happening”:

Part 4- You know me, I have to put everything to music…;)

It makes me cringe But I thank God for not letting me get that close. And I realize now that had I been older and known what I truly wanted, I would have been able to let go too. And every day that I grow and learn what I truly want…well maybe, just maybe, it will feel less like giving up and more like gaining back a piece of myself.